I try to read a lot and from a wide category of subjects and genres. While I do like to read and believe kids should definitely learn to do it, It lacks a community aspect. Which is weird, since I don’t really like community. So I figured, I would write about books I read and maybe you can decide to read a book or stay away from one.
When I finish a book, the first question I have is “is it worth my time?”. Now that question is a bit loaded since I listen to a lot of audiobooks. I figure listening to even a terrible novel is better than flipping off old ladies with a constant stream of words I wouldn’t want my daughter to hear. Since all books are worth my time and improve the world at large, I’ll get to the bottom of whether what I read is worth yours. Let’s see how this goes…
Origin: A Novel
by Dan Brown: An Author
Reviewed by Ol’ Buschy Tales: A Poseur
The editor is requiring a Spoiler Alert. So tread carefully.
Like a study in epidemiology, I came to read Origin: A Novel by Dan Brown. Patient zero recommended the book to my wife. My wife showed no symptoms since she hadn’t read it. She carried the pain and suffering to me, never being the wiser of the damage it could inflict. As much as I want to, I just can’t blame her. So that’s how good people like me turn into zombies. I won’t name patient zero to protect the very, very guilty. You know who you are.
I should’ve known. This wasn’t the first or even second Dan Brown book I’ve read. I even saw the movie based on The DaVinci Code.
Tom Hanks: “Its Ok, Kid. Me neither. But the pool I bought with the DaVinci check is LIT.”
I should’ve known when I realized the title indicated what it is. Meaning it should’ve been a huge red flag the title had to tell me it’s a novel. It’s almost like Dan Brown thinks we’re too dumb to buy something book-shaped just called Origin, then get home only to realize we bought a book and not like, a potato or something. All the warning signs were there, yet I pressed on. I pressed on for 18 hours and 9 mins.
I regret to inform you this is the last known photo of Jane before perishing in her home due to a combination of dehydration and malnourishment.
I usually avoid recommendations from people who haven’t read the recommended book – A man gotta have a code. Read on to find out what happens when you go against that code.
I have a history with Dan Brown, I read Angels and Demons and was really into it. I mean really into it. I burned through pages late into the night and even read on my lunch break. I have to admit I liked, even enjoyed reading it. Until I got to the end – one of the all-time worst endings I’ve experienced. Suddenly there were nuclear bombs and helicopters that could fly to space, someone survived what must’ve been a 50,000-foot fall. I think Michael Jordan and Bill Murray challenged aliens to space basketball. Ok, ok I did read Angels and Demons over a decade ago, but I do feel like most of the previous is true. Oh God, I think I want to re-read it just to see. Please God, have mercy on my soul. My review of Angels and Demons goes something like this: “Entertaining, but I don’t think they’ll be teaching it in high schools”. So of course, I read The DaVinci Code just to shut someone else up. I don’t remember a single word of that book.
Dan Brown is a very bad writer. This isn’t arguable. Just a terrible writer. As a terrible writer myself, I should know. And therein lies my fascination with Origin: A Novel. Not only do I think this book is a joke that Dan Brown is playing on us; I now have hope there might be a chance for me. He doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of
One error in Origin: A Novel particularly sticks out to me. Well, maybe not an error, just a more opinionated piece of misinformation. Dan Brown seems to hate the Catholic Church and has suggested this over the course of his novels. That’s fine, lots of people do for many different reasons. In Origins: A Novel, I find that Dan Brown thinks the Catholic Church not only denies but vehemently hates evolution. The Catholic Church certainly has its faults, but hating on evolution isn’t one of them. The Church has never officially attacked evolutionary theory. There certainly are some religions that do attack and deny evolution and probably some Catholics as well. The Catholic Church, however, has neither officially supported nor denounced (I guess an argument can be made that’s a problem. I learned evolution in Catholic school and nobody wrote Inherit the Wind II: The Monkey Returns and it’s….Evolved about my harrowing science class).
I find it weird that anyone thinks this, but especially someone who makes
This guy!!
Dan Brown is good at one thing. It’s by far the most annoying thing I’ve come across in writing, maybe in life. He gives you pieces of information leading toward his big reveal. Dan Brown eliminates any subtlety where we’re headed. Then something happens and the big reveal is delayed. Again and again. Here’s a visual representation:
I don’t think it’d be so terrible if, after 18 hours, the “carrot” is something worthwhile. This technique can be very interesting, but Dan Brown is just so blatant with it. When one gets to the giant, mega reveal after 18 hours, one should expect something pretty profound, surprising, or interesting. The response shouldn’t be “That’s it? That’s what I’ve been waiting for? I think I’ll write a scathing 2000 word review on a website that no one knows exists”. He uses this carrot and stick technique throughout the novel. I’m pretty sure Dan Brown took thirty-seven pages, thirteen vehicle descriptions, and five interruptions by assassins to reveal a character’s lunch order.
Before I give you a brief glimpse into what it feels like to read Dan Brown, I am impelled to further expound upon Dan Brown’s apparent mistrust or misunderstanding of real-world technology. The fact that Origin: A Novel examines the made-up battle between the Modern World and the Old World vis a vis, the Catholic Church vs. an Elon Musk surrogate (editor’s note: Ol Buschy Tales kind of used vis a vis correctly and is very proud of it. I advised him to cut it, but he promised to empty the dishwasher for a month to keep it in. You take that deal every time).
Dan Brown pretty clearly sides with the Modern, Technological world in all this. A tiny amount of backstory: Robert Langdon is the hero of Dan Brown’s books. Langdon is a Harvard University professor in the made-up field of Symbology -meaning he studies and teaches symbols used throughout history. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you Symbology is made up, but my wife remains surprised it’s not real and we’re still hoping she stops believing in Santa Claus this year. I’m just going to give you Langdon’s “credentials” once, but Dan Brown makes sure we remember this like a thousand times.
So a crime occurs and the person of interest drives off in a getaway car. Langdon and his Symbology Superfriends review the surveillance tape for clues. They, of course, notice a sticker on the car and analyze it. For multiple pages. Of course, Langdon recognizes the sticker as the symbol for Amalgamation, mostly because who wouldn’t recognize the symbol for Amalgamation? Doesn’t take a fake degree in Symbology to know that. However, the symbol is actually a combination of the Papal cross and Uber. Yes, that Uber. As stupid as this is, it’s played to great importance. But here’s where we get Dan Brown’s ignorance of technology and contempt for the reader’s intelligence. He goes on to explain:
“Uber’s ubiquitous ‘on-demand driver’ service had taken the world by storm over the past few years. Via smartphone, anyone requiring a ride could instantly connect with a growing army of Uber drivers who made extra money by hiring out their own cars as improvised taxis.”
Maybe this is the rare product placement in a novel coming so close to perfection. If only PayPal would have agreed to Dan Brown’s terms.
Does Dan Brown not realize that almost everyone has the ability to look things up on Google? If reading on a smartphone or tablet, we just have to press a finger to the word and the definition comes up? Does he think technology is only for rich, potential James Bond villains? Or witchcraft? He even tells us UBER is ubiquitous. Does he not know what ubiquitous means? Does he think we don’t have the intelligence to either know or look up ubiquitous? Present, appearing, or found
Ok, ok. Amalgamation is the action, process, or result of combining or uniting. I must admit that’s pretty clever. Not necessarily good mind you, but clever. Point- Dan Brown.
Before I give you the Dan Brown experience in less than two pages. Here’s another ridiculous line from Origin: A Novel. The scene is dramatic and fast-paced, the phone is the key to solving the mystery.
“Langdon watched the phone plummet down and splash into the dark waters of the Nervión River. As it disappeared beneath the surface, he felt a pang of loss, staring back after it as the boat raced on.
“Robert,” Ambra whispered, “just remember the wise words of Disney’s Princess Elsa.”
Langdon turned. “I’m sorry?”
Ambra smiled softly. “Let it go.”
At three or so, my daughter loved Frozen more than anything. I made a very similar joke and learned she is a prodigy of the dramatic eye roll and I’ve had to step up my dad-joke game ever since. Now that’s pressure.
So here’s Origin: A Novel (and really all of Dan Brown’s novels) in length consistent with the amount of time you should spend on Dan Brown’s novels.
Robert Langdon: “Hmmm, my eidetic memory can’t figure this out”
Random lady protagonist: “Weird, since you are so brilliant in a completely platonic way. I can’t wait till we accidentally make out.”
Winston: “Oh the answer is the symbol which means the bad guy is…”
Robert Langdon: “Oh no. We’ve stepped away from WiFi and lost Winston, the space-age British artificial intelligence robotic plot device. I know what you’re going to say. It’s not a deus ex machina. It’s just a robot with all the answers who will give us those answers at the exact moment we need them. Totally different.”
Lady Protagonist: “Do you mean Google?”
Robert Langdon: “No, no nothing like Google. Nothing at all. I can ask it questions in a microphone.”
Lady Protagonist: “So it’s just like Siri”
Robert Langdon: “Nothing at all like Google or Siri. It’s Winston. The names aren’t even the same. Shut up. Anyway, we lost WiFi right before telling us who dun it. We probably shouldn’t go back to the last place we could access Winston because of bad guys and the crocodile infestation or the crocodile-infested bad guys.”
Random Lady Protagonist: “Ummmm, Alexa?”
Robert Langdon: “Definitely not Alexa. Amazon wouldn’t pay for their logo to be crossed with any religious symbols, then used as a plot point. It’s in their bylaws or something. The verbiage is surprisingly specific.”
Random lady protagonist: “I really wish we could connect to the internet anywhere in the world. When will they ever have an answer for this? Why oh why?!?!!” she screams into the night with all the emotion and urgency of finding out you were in the wrong line at the DMV.
Robert Langdon: “I guess I’ll just list famous painters for a few pages and say I can’t understand modern art. Even though it’s been explained to me like five times. Did I mention they call me the Indiana Jones of symbols? Well, no one calls me that but my Mom and myself. But we’re people too. Have you noticed that everywhere we go, I’ve already been and know everything about? It’s great being a world-renowned Harvard professor and having saved the Pope with the power of symbols. Basically, I never have to do anything at Harvard. It’s so strange that I always personally know the murder victim, too. People are getting murdered around me left and right. Kind of like how Angela Lansbury was obviously a secret serial killer on Murder She Wrote. Who knew studying symbols is as deadly as lumberjacking? Did I also mention that I have an eidet..”
Random Lady Protagonist: “Yes, you’ve said it like a 1000 times just in this book, I mean there are real-life things happening to us probably involving a Walther PPK Model 72, the same gun used frequently by renowned playboy, James Bond. Who is also…….a spy. Aw, Christ, I’m doing it now too”
Langdon: “-ic memory. That basically means that I have a photographic memory. Which Science has totally not
Random Lady Protagonist: “Squirrel” she excitedly exclaimed, trying anything to get this idiot to STFU. Excitedly in the way she’d respond if she’d just been given a Diet Coke after ordering a Coke.
Robert Langdon: “Ah yes, squirrels, the timeless symbol of the mid to late Druids from the Glastonbury section of the Old World. I haven’t seen this symbol in ages. Since that time I saved the Pope’s holy golden retriever from the clutches of the evil Vicar who wanted to also be Pope, but not for the reason you’d think. Of course, the squirrel is the killer”
Random Lady Protagonist: “We know who the killer is. It’s some guy with a dark past or like a robot who is actually a puppet of a large Catholic-based organization. It’s always some dude with a dark past or a robot who is actually a puppet of a large Catholic-based organization. Always. For seven books now. What do the druids have to do with this? What does anything you say have to do with anything? It just seems you want to talk about the make and model of every vehicle we use.” She exclaimed as if she wanted to have dessert but couldn’t decide if she was feeling like caramel or chocolate.
Robert Langdon: Seemingly baffled that she doesn’t know women are stupid and don’t have the strength and intestinal fortitude for symbols, retorts “Squirrels are the key because the famous word guy, Dan Brown who also happens to be …. A renowned author recently read a HuffPost article about squirrels. An article about squirrels!!! Don’t you see? The information gained from that is clearly meant to have meaning in this, and only this, extremely specific situation. Otherwise, it would not be so clear in my photographic memory powered by Google, I mean Winston. Hmmm, puzzling.”
Lady Protagonist: “Ok, let’s just have this same conversation in different places featured in the Spain travel brochure for 400 more pages, then we’ll finally get the big reveal, which will be disappointing to all but the criminally insane. Ooooh, let’s add a twist. Something about me. This twist will ultimately be even more disappointing and unnecessary. We’ll also add another twist that doesn’t impact anything. Because renowned word guy, Dan Brown needs to tell his polo friends he cares about the real issues. Does Dan Brown rock an ascot? Perfect timing, we’re back on WiFi, ask Google disguised as a robot named Winston. No images of Dan Brown with an ascot. But man, ascots look pretty sweet”.
And they caught the killer while the shadowy organization is brought down. Robert Langdon’s former secretary was found murdered in the library with the candlestick, tune in for the sequel, Clue: The Boardgame: The Novel. Technology rules. The end.
I’m unable to determine if Origin: A Novel was written as a joke or if Dan Brown is actually a computer program programmed to writes novels. I have a strong suspicion it’s the latter.
Shadowy Publishing Agent: “Just put Catholic, Robert Langdon, Symbology, Harvard, and UBER into the Data Analyzing Novel Book Replicant Waveform Nomenclature program”
Shadowy Publishing Agent’s Assistant: “We’ll make millions and top the bestseller list. You’ve done it again, boss. Shall I ready your cocaine straw and mirror?”
Shadowy Publishing Agent: “No, the D.A.N. B.R.O.W.N. has done it again. Muahahahaha. But yea, hook up the coke”
All I know is I’ll never get the hours I spent on Origin: A Novel back. I could have cured cancer, solved world hunger, or done my taxes, but instead, I listened to a book that compelled me to Google “Is Dan Brown a bad writer”. I’m filled with shame, remorse and need a shower.
So, Is Origin: A Novel worth your time?No, Origin: A Novel is not worth any more time than you’ve already spent reading this review (and hey, thanks for reading). I don’t know what you do, but your time is far too valuable for Origin: A Novel. (Unless you’re a serial killer or Nazi, then by all means, please read the entire Dan Brown oeuvre. Twice.) I beg you not to spend any money or time on this pile of junk. If it were only 150 pages, I’d highly recommend it; everyone needs comedy in their life. This is not a guilty pleasure. This makes Fuller House look like high art.
Of course, if you hate yourself as much as I apparently do. Or you like Caps Lock jokes, then you may thoroughly enjoy Dan Brown’s entire library of crap. I can’t believe I forgot to mention there’s a Caps Lock joke that delayed the big reveal for the 432nd time. I remain disgusted and fascinated by Dan Brown.
Verdict: Do not read or think about Dan Brown ever again. I believe Nietzsche said, “And if you gaze long enough into Dan Brown, Dan Brown also gazes into you.”
As always, thanks for reading. Until next time…
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