Under the Weather, But Aren’t We All. Except for Pilots

Don’t Believe your TV Weatherperson or Even Most of the Internet; Download Weather Underground Today

So there you are; watching a favorite show, relaxing after a hard day of whatever it is you do. You’ve finally forgotten about your boss’ unfair and unwarranted tirade incomprehensively directed at you. You weren’t really listening, but vague recollections of misused company resources, disrespect, poor time management, and lack of focus fritter across your cerebellum. All you know is that idiot of a boss is full of it and as he yelled, you were pretty focused on getting back to your desk and updating your fantasy squad after a crushing 47 point loss to Chad in accounting.

It took all afternoon, but now you’ve got the roster together and Chad is goin’ down- those TPS reports can wait till Monday. Your work is done, the TV’s on as you teeter on the edge of sweet, sweet catatonia. Suddenly,  like a summer thunderclap, your concentration is shattered by a dulcet tone. Snapped back to reality, the horror sets in. Good god, it’s the dreaded WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY. Even worse, you’re watching a LIVE sporting event, when just as suddenly the weather person cuts in. If it’s a him, the jacket’s off, sleeves rolled up, sweat drips from his brow. Though not out loud, he’s saying -“finally everyone’s gonna take me seriously. I didn’t go to Meteorology school for 6 years for nothin’. You will listen, they will ALL listen”. If it’s a her, she looks like she just stepped off a runway with the “Show me concerned, now love the camera” look on her face. Either way, they look far more excited than worried about your well-being.

This is a WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY, folks. Batten down the hatches, hatten down the batches. Make sure you have a bare minimum 6 month supply of bread, milk, and eggs. You know, those rations I didn’t tell you to freeze dry and seal in Mylar back in October. And for the love of Pete, hunker down because the Jet Stream is meeting the Gulf Stream somewhere over Leadville, Colorado. We’re in direct line of rain, sleet, snow, ice, tsunamis, frogs, locusts -Mass Hysteria. Good God, is that a WINTRY MIX I see? (Translated: Revenues are down, and not only that, the station’s putting together their daytime Emmy nomination and need you to blindly watch for the next 24 hours)

So the schools call off, companies shut down, yet nary a drop of precipitation has materialized. The bread, milk, and egg Cartels awaken from their slumber on piles of money, take their morning baths in Scrooge McDuck’s money bin, then light cigars rolled in hundred dollar bills as they salivate at the soon to be empty shelves. People are fighting for the last bag of rock salt at Lowe’s. A man was beaten within an inch of his life for a snow shovel (well my brother’s uncle’s best friend’s former college roommate’s preschool teacher was there, man. It was brutal).

By this time, you believe the worst is coming and surrender to the fact that you may be stuck indoors for awhile. The stores are all empty and you’re probably gonna die (wow, you got there quickly). So, your new destination is a hypothermic death, with stops at frostbite and gangrene. You’ve accepted this. You hug your wife and kids, call your dad, savor your last few moments prior to closing your eyes for what you now believe will be the last time.

The alarm blares. It’s Destiny’s Child. Again. You vow to finally change the CD that’s been in your alarm clock since George W.’s first term. You open your eyes to a noticeable buzz in the house not unlike Christmas morning. This is surprisingly not irritating as it differs from the typical zombie-like progression toward work and school. The calm does not last long as you realize it’s official; the kids are off school and are rifling through everything in search of snow pants, boots, sleds, cross country skis, luge sleds, and any other snow-related item. As you wind your way through your once organized home with laser-focus on morning coffee, pain shoots into your foot, quickly spreading to the base of your skull. It could only be one thing – the most malevolent of all the Legos, the ten by ten.

But, something is awry. First, you’re not a frozen corpse to be unearthed a millennium or two from now. Second, as you meander to the window and open the blinds, there’s a clear lack of snow, ice, wintry mixes, locusts, or angels of death. In fact, it looks to be a rather normal winter’s day. The yuletide excitement has abruptly ceased since sledding and snowmen are out. “I’m bored”, “now what are we going to do” and Minecraft replaces the joy. So, you turn on the TV and your local liar…I mean trusted weather person – eyes red from lack of sleep-pleads with you that the worst is yet to come, BUUUUUUUUTTT, weather patterns do change, especially when it comes to the Jet Stream and Gulf Stream forming like Voltron.

Now, I’ve lived in Missouri most of my life and am used to, nay comfortable with changes in weather. Just like all Missourians, I’ve driven to work with the heat on and drove home with the AC dialed up. I just looked out the window and viewed a beautiful Spring day, then baffled myself by looking at the calendar. I know Missouri is a weather crapshoot, you know Missouri is a weather crapshoot, the weather people know that Missouri is a crapshoot. Only one of us preys on the uncertainty. And it ain’t you and me, buddy.

(Sidenote: I think everyone outside of San Diego feels the same way about their weather. If you live in San Diego and complain about the weather. May God have mercy on your cold, black soul.)

Well, I have to be honest, I don’t know that much about meteorology. I like to keep it simple so I learned that meteorology just takes into account different conditions and projects potential outcomes. For example, you can have 100% chance of rain but that doesn’t mean rain is a fact. It means 100% of the past times we had these conditions, the result was rain. Basically, we’re always playing the odds. Now what I do know is media advertising. I got degrees and have worked in the industry for around ten years. Here’s the secret, the media’s job isn’t to give you the news, entertaining stuff to watch, or be a government watchdog. The media’s job is to make money. The media makes money by selling advertising. The media makes more money if more people watch their news, entertaining programs, or government watchdogging. Their main goal is to deliver you to their advertiser’s message. (lucky for you, I’m not here to sell you anything. I’m just going to wear my Reeboks with cutting edge cushioning system;  cast my Orvis 9 foot, fast action, tip flex, 25 year guaranteed fly rod; wear my LL Bean trail inspired, lightweight khakis; drink my organic, locally sourced, grass-fed, coffee harvested only by the less fortunate; and drop truth bombs from my Apple IPad with Logitech wireless keyboard). Moral of the story: it’s not the weatherperson’s fault that his or her job is to deliver you to advertising – it’s the business he or she has chosen. So if there are 10 possible outcomes based on the conditions, 1 being best and 10 being worst, they’re gonna dial that thing up to 11 to keep your eyes glued on their channel.

(Please note, that was not an “alternative facts” “fake news” rant against the media. It’s a bidness like any other and does provide services like quality programming, government watchdog, etc. Those efforts just need to be funded. But the media also pumps out The Bachelor . For 23 seasons!)

What in the world can I do?
You scream these words into the blackness of the cold, clear night, each syllable a dying echo of a reflection of your declining hope. The moon silhouettes your clenched fist, which has uncontrollably thrust to the heavens. You fall to your knees in agony, slowly curling into the fetal position. You’re naked for some reason (weirdo) and sobbing uncontrollably.

Well, no need to get so dramatic, I’m gonna tell ya what you need to do. You’re gonna go to Weather Underground, download the app to your smartphone and be free of your local news station’s iron fist. To be fair WU, does have advertising, but it’s minimal and barely noticeable.

Basically, Weather Underground is weather without the bullshit. It gives a solid 10-day forecast for just about any location you can think of using information from the National Weather Service and observations from members with automated personal weather stations. Now, this is a Voltronic combination I can get down with. This gives you accurate weather right outside your door (well pretty close in most cases).

I’m surprised Weather Underground is actually owned by the Weather Channel whose site I can’t even use. It’s an utter mess and virtually useless to me. Just give me the weather, damn it. I don’t need 12 stories about cities that I’ll probably never visit. I’m sure Cairo is nice this time of year, but I need to know if I should wear an extra sweater or pack my rain gear for the 2 hours I have to fish. And please, please, please, autoplay multiple videos so I need to reboot my phone or computer. I’m not sure how something so wrong can do something so right. However, here we are.

Anyway, the Weather Underground app and site are elegant in simplicity and most importantly, easy to use. Did I mention it’s easy to use and packed with useful information? Because Weather Underground is easy to use and packed with useful information. I’ve been using it for a couple of years and feel their information has proved accurate enough time and time again. I personally just planned a camping trip based on their forecasts and historical trends. The forecasts and trends stated that it was going to be cold enough to freeze a Winnebago. I didn’t listen and can tell you from first hand, boots on the ground experience-it was cold enough to freeze a Winnebago. So you can do the smart thing and listen to Weather Underground or you can freeze your ass off. I chose the latter but did learn a useful tip. Throwing one of those Hot Hands warmers (or ten) in your sleeping bag makes it downright balmy. Give it a try.

Back to Weather Underground, There’s also tons of customization even at the free level. I really can’t stress enough how simple and easy it is to use.

Now that you have been enlightened and pointed to the proper tool, here is my 5 pronged approach to deciding whether you should go outside and do something awesome.

1. Answer the following question with a resounding YES!!- “Should I go outside and do something awesome?”
2. Remind yourself there are no bad weather conditions, just bad gear choices.
3. Check Weather Underground,
4. Use the Roosevelt E. Roosevelt Method – “You gotta Window, Open it!” . If you can visually confirm ice or tornadoes-turn on the PlayStation, tie flies, paint the family room, or -shudder- spend time with your family. Threat of ice or a tornado warning – get going, you’re burning daylight.
5. Layer your clothes and always bring rain gear (or a trash bag, works in a pinch)

****DISCLAIMER****

This message has been brought to you by the good people at Ol’ Buschy Tales. This post is for infotainment only and Ol’ Buschy Tales is not responsible for long hikes in wet socks, frozen rod guides, towing costs, rusted implements, slips, trips, and/or falls.

We definitely aren’t responsible for being sucked into a tornado, transported to the Land of Oz, landing on a wicked witch, and the ensuing adventures (unless said ensuing adventures are unbelievably awesome. In that case we take full credit and any profits thereof). Ol’ Buschy Tales will share in your triumphs against any of the following – Man, Beast, and/or Nature, but will not reimburse you for the destruction of a gas pump after it asks if you’d like a car wash when the temperature is 0 degrees.

****DISCLAIMER END****

The man behind Ol’ Buschy Tales just realized he typically makes fun of bad conversationalists who only discuss the weather. After writing 2,000 words about the weather. Next post, “Hypocrites!!! WTF!?!” Follow on Facebook for all the important updates.