“Good luck is when opportunity meets preparation, while bad luck is when lack of preparation meets reality.”
– Eliyahu Goldratt
Summer’s right around the corner (or right now. Or already passed. Depends on when I got bold enough to actually go live with this mess.) There’s no better time than the present to start planning your summer adventures. No matter where your adventure takes you, you’ll probably end up around sun and bugs – Ol’ Buschy Tales just can’t pass up a chance at shootin’ the breeze about clothes and lotions. It’s a guilty pleasure, I suppose. Plus, if you’re on a budget, it’s always better to upgrade or purchase new over time rather than running to the Wal-Marts at 3 am to buy stuff you might need and end up with crap you don’t need like a VHS copy of Rush Hour 2 for $3 while forgetting the thing you needed. Not that I’ve ever done that, nor do I own a VCR.
My relationship with the sun is much like what I think my daughter’s relationship is with me – “Hey Dad/Sun, thanks for all this warmth and light, but you’re really harshing my buzz, bro”. After years of trial and error, I’ve finally solidified my sun protection plan while working on my insect protection system. I’ve got the basics down and I’m here to offer my opinions on sun protection and most importantly – lookin’ fierce.
Sunscreen’s gross, it feels weird, and I don’t wax my body, so it’s hard to apply. The spray’s better if you want to end up with black lung from extended use (citation needed). There is a true drawback to sunscreen-it can interfere with sweat evaporation, which inhibits the cooling effect of perspiration.
Admittedly, not liking sunscreen because it’s “icky” is childish. My only defense is that this is merely the tip of my childish nature. Like an iceberg, this is the part that’s above the ocean. Dive deeper and you’ll be astounded at the size and darkness of my immaturity. Don’t stare too long or you’ll be sucked in permanently.
For the longest time, I’ve begrudgingly applied and reapplied sunscreen in both lotion and spray forms. Alright, let’s be honest, for the longest time I’ve mostly just got sunburnt. “Hey, I’ll only be out for a few minutes” or “I already have a savage tan, the sun’s rays can no longer harm me” or “Sunblock is icky” are among my many other excuses. It took awhile, but I did realize that skin cancer is scary and picks on the awesome and non-awesome alike (see if you can guess which category I find myself in). Plus I’ve had too many fishing and hiking trips made much more uncomfortable by something completely preventable. I’m trying to be a grown-up in some areas. It’s hard and makes me want to say things like “adulting”, which spirals me into a vortex of self-loathing.
Now let’s throw a little gas on this fire. Everybody’s talking about ‘em and nobody wants ‘em sinking their dirty, numbing fangs into their body. No one’s favorite bloodsucker – Ticks. If you haven’t heard, ticks were bad last year and this year and the year before that, and probably next year. From their perspective, it’s been an epic, record-breaking run. Just constant high fives with one of their eight disgusting legs. And ticks love me – always have. (Mosquitos, on the other hand, have never really developed any taste or animosity for Ol’ Buschy, so I have that goin’ for me, which is nice). Ticks and Lyme Disease immediately scare me (whereas future me can worry about skin cancer). I hate ticks as much as they love me, so I already wear long pants and sleeves in the woods. This dovetailed nicely into an all ‘round tick and sun protection plan. Really just took a few minor tweaks to have full sun protection and full tick protection (I’ve recently discovered a few holes in my tick protection. I’ve done additional research and have put together an even more solid plan. After testing, I’ll report the results)
So, let’s talk about sunscreen for a moment. When was sunscreen invented? Anyone? Anyone? Just doing some math here, the sun is 4.6 billion years old and Homo erectus has been walkin’ upright like a boss for about 1.9 million years. That’s a lot of time. Sunscreen, however, has only been around a few thousand years. There’s evidence ancient Greeks and Egyptians used olive oil and a combination of rice, jasmine, and lupine plants, respectively. Zinc oxide has been used for thousands of years and became the basis for the first commercially available sunscreen debuting back in 1936. I venture to guess that before industrialization and commercialization, not everyone had easy access to zinc mines or oxide farms (editor’s note: Ol’ Buschy got a D+ in high school chemistry and is still pretty happy with that).
More than likely, basic sunscreen wasn’t the easiest thing to acquire for the vast majority of human history. Quick tangent: I’m watched this show The Terror on AMC. I like it well enough but it illustrates one thing I just can’t stand about shows set in the cold. No one ever looks cold. They always make a point to show someone shivering or say “hey, it’s like minus-40, ain’t that a bitch” or something. I understand that showing the effects of weather takes away from the dramatic human conflicts that really drive ratings, I guess. It annoys me in Game of Thrones too. I guess my point is that, in real life, the cold or heat will kill or maim you way faster than an army of ice zombies or whatever is terrorizing The Terror. Also, you are probably smart enough to realize that television shows do not depict real life. I know, I know this whole thing is about dealing with the sun and heat and here’s a rant about depicting the cold on TV. In my defense, Indiana Jones does wear a leather jacket in deserts and jungles
So what did our forefathers and foremothers do? Take a google image search of old-timey people. I’ll wait.
Spoiler alert-Lots of clothes, bandanas, wide-brimmed hats, etc.
Here’s the famous picture of Billy the Kid, keep in mind he lived in the New Mexico Territory which is just full of desert (the Ol’ Buschy Tales home office would move there if it was full of dessert, but alas).
Looks like he’s on his way to make a few extra (legitimate and unbloodied) dollars shoveling the snow off grandma Bonney’s driveway. Guessing he’s also wearing a lot of wool. Going out even further on this limb, washing machines and deodorant likely weren’t real common back then, much less a shower puff. The Old West must have smelled…unpleasant. Also, everyone must’ve been bordering on heatstroke and dehydration if movies are to be believed and whiskey really was the only beverage available.
Barring the locker room aroma that must’ve just permeated the late 1800s, his sun protection plan isn’t too much different than mine. Two big differences – synthetic materials and multiple sets of clothes. Mr. The Kid’s above outfit might be the only set he owned for a long period of time.
So, I’ll go into my can’t fail sun protection program. Take what you want, leave the rest. So here’s a picture of me in full gear:
Unfortunately, I’m not Batman (yet). Of course, if I am Batman, I’d likely tell you I’m not Batman. So I think I just talked myself into becoming a billionaire playboy by day and masked, non-murdering vigilante by night. Goodbye blog and hello either dying a hero or living long enough to see myself as the villain. Seems a fair trade with equal amounts of self-loathing and narcissism.
Anyway, here is a picture of me on my last serious hike to give you an idea of how I dress in the Wild.
Looks pretty normal, right? Of course, I’ve put way too much thought into it and thought I’d share the details. So, I’ll just go through what I’m wearing with the cost associated with each item. I’ll spare you the discussion on footwear and sunglasses – both being a personal choice and I could probably write 10,000 words. Nobody wants more words in this post. I’m not even going to start on the backpack, that word count would make George RR Martin blush.
So here’s everything else:
Head ($20): Hats are always important. Moreso for me because I’m secretly bald, but let’s keep that between me and you. In lieu of a classy and functional comb-over, I’ve chosen a military spec Boonie hat. The brim is folded up here, but it’s wide when needed. Since it’s supposed to be military spec, it’s a cotton/polyester blend. I usually don’t wear cotton, but if it’s good enough for our military, it’s more than good enough for me.
Neck/Face ($5-$20): Buff (actually, in this case, it’s an SA face shield, but same deal) Great, versatile item. I think I have 16 of them. Not joking – SA has some sick deals on Facebook. Buffs are great at neck protection and great for Halloween.
Shirt (free): polyester, light micro-mesh shirt. I got this one for running a race (slowly), so I guess it did cost my dignity.
Arms ($10): Sun Sleeves. These are a new addition and I really like them so far. A big upgrade over wearing a long sleeve shirt. Basically, these are long wristbands that go up to your shoulder and are 50 SPF. They are light and easily removable when wearing a pack or fishing vest. Barely noticeable after a few minutes, fit tight to the skin with no extra fabric flopping about, and they even stay in place on my 16-inch pythons, brother. Supposedly they also keep your arms cool, but that doesn’t even make sense to me nor is it something I thought I needed. I’ve never said or heard, “nice day, but boy are my arms particularly hotter than the rest of my body”
I also must add that they work great should you forget toilet paper…is what a friend told me.
Legs ($60 or so): LL Bean Adventure Pants. That isn’t the official name, but they can either be pants or shorts. It’s not even an adventure if you don’t need both pants and shorts. These are tough nylon pants, at least 16 years old. They’re LL Bean, so clearly the most expensive thing I’m wearing and purchased when I used to be pretty dumb with money. Haha, used to be. Since I’ve had them for 16 years, they’re probably a good investment, though. I don’t understand money.
Total Cost: About $95-$115. Now, I’m sure you’re saying, “Ol’ Buschy, I would just rather buy sunscreen over and over than go out and spend $115 on clothes”. Well, lemme tell ya friend, you don’t have to spend $115. Let’s get those costs down.
Neck: You’ll probably have to buy a buff. Go to SA Fishing and find a code.$20 for like 5. SA Fishing or for the real deal Buff, REI
Shirt: Target has polyester workout shirts for $12, Walmart’s probably even cheaper. $12
Arms: You’ll probably need some sleeves. $10. These seem to work well – sun sleeves.
Legs: Now for the real secret. Costco. Don’t sleep on Costco for many of your outdoor clothing and gear needs. Just google “Costco Down Blanket DIY”. People love those things. I picked up some nylon hiking pants for $17.99 and they are Ol’ Buschy tested, Ol’ Buschy approved. Even have a little stretch, so a great choice for Thanksgiving. I have four pairs now and jeans are obsolete. Costco also has some cheap synthetic shirts – 3 pack for under $10 I think. (Update: the Costco pants are not great for cold weather, but Costco has some pretty great long johns at good prices) $18 for the pants
Grand Total: $60. Compare that to my preferred sunscreen/bug spray at $8.49 for six ounces. When I do use sunscreen, I’ve found Bullfrog to be the best. At 7 bottles, you’re already over that $60. If you spend a lot of time out of doors, that ain’t gonna be chump change.
You can thank me later. I’ve saved you $55 and protected you from sunburn, while simultaneously outfitting you for Thanksgiving, Christmas
Well, what about comfort, Ol’ Buschy Tales?
Now, I specifically talked about nylon and polyester as almost all of my warm-weather clothes are made of synthetic fabric, even my skivvies. Synthetics are lighter and quick drying. Synthetics also wick moisture. To be fair, I thought “wicking” in this sense is a made-up corporate buzzword (also to be fair, I think it is a made-up corporate buzzword). The wicking action pulls moisture away from your skin and does have its roots in actual science. Sweat cools you by evaporating off your skin, so when moisture is trapped in cotton material, it doesn’t cool you off as effectively. Or something, again D+ in chemistry and not any better in physics or biology. Merino wool is also a great option, but we’re trying to keep costs down here and Merino wool is super expensive. Basically stay away from cotton and, and for the love of Pete, stay away from wearing jeans. Jeans get wet, stay wet and lead to the number one factor to ruin any outdoor excursion – Chafing.
Chafing’s awful like sunburn, but even more awful because it happens in just terrible places. I’m more afraid of chafing than Lyme disease and skin cancer combined. Again, chafing effects “present” me, but “future” me doesn’t much care for it either. So if it doesn’t chafe, it’s likely safe. Just take a Google of chafed skin images at your own risk. And I won’t even get into the need for this product.
Alright, so the day I took this picture, I’m on top of Bald Knob at Buford Mountain. This is a punishing 11-mile hike in southeastern Missouri – typically rated one of the hardest in the eastern half of the state. The temperature hovered around 95 degrees with 70% humidity and nary a cloud in the sky. I was extremely uncomfortable the entire time, but it wasn’t due to my clothing selection. The culprit was the burning sensation in my legs and lungs from traversing 15-degree inclines on loose baseball and softball-sized rocks.
Ok, so let’s look at the results, no sunburn on Buford Mountain or any other day since I started using this system. I’m as pale and pasty as Casper the Friendly Ghost. I would say my lack of a killer tan is proof enough that this works. (sidenote: don’t you just love it when people call things as simple as clothes a system. Sounds super important, right?)
Ok, and Style, sir?
Not really too concerned with style, just ask my wife and daughter (editor’s note: previous statement confirmed). On this day, I saw three other people on Bald Knob and I looked much better and way cooler than all of them. So that’s a clear win in the style department. Honestly, most of the places I go are to get away from people and I prefer practicality over lookin’ good. If I’m where I want to be, then there shouldn’t be anyone else there. Anyone else watching me with their judging, always judging, eyes.
In the last couple of years, a lot of the outdoorsy looking clothes have become really trendy and I’ve developed a theory. If it looks a little too cool and you’ve seen a soccer mom or teenager wearing it, it’s probably way too expensive and not too durable. It’s also kinda like buying a golden hammer-too pretty and expensive to actually use for the intended purpose. You certainly could wear a $400 pullover, but will you be willing to walk through a tight, thorny trail? Climb a boulder? Get dirty? Half the reason camo exists is stain concealment. If you forget toilet paper, do you really want to use a $95 glove? (Sidenote: Never, ever, ever, ever pick up any clothing in the woods then excitedly tell your friends you found a sock, glove, pants, whatever practically brand new. It ends well for no one. Especially the finder.)
Basically, this looks like a t-shirt and jeans, so I’d be comfortable walking into anywhere short of a funeral, as I would only remove my hat out of respect.
The Conclusion?
And Finally, The Truth
Ok, so I do carry sunscreen and bug spray with me all the time. I’d look a little silly at the pool in this getup or gettin’ swole at muscle beach. And it’s always good insurance should something go sideways.
And you never know, while out seeking the treasure, I might come across these ladies singing their siren song and I don’t wanna get turnt into no horny toad. Or something.
Thanks for reading. Would love to hear your thoughts on this or any other matter.
The man behind Ol’ Buschy Tales longs for the days when
